For the past 1,825 days, I have been her mother. I always write something on the day before her birthday because I remember it so vividly.
My oldest was going to be with my brother for what we thought would be 2 days while I had a routine scheduled repeat c-section. We couldn't have been more wrong.
The day of her arrival, was pretty routine. Checked into the hospital....and waited for my amazing OB to come strolling in like she always does. She has the most calm power to her, unlike anyone else I have ever met. It also is my husbands birthday, I had a little hat made that said "happy birthday daddy" and swiftly handed it to the OB nurses. Plotting and happy for a sweet surprise. We chatted for a bit more, and off I went to the OR, to bring my 2nd child into this world.
About 5 minutes into the surgery, I heard my OB say "I am very glad you decided to do this." She meant, a c-section instead of trying for a natural birth. I giggled, and said "OH? Was she crammed in there?"
The answer was "no."
I do not remember anything after that point. It went black.
I came back to reality a little while later with a baby and in so much pain I thought was going to die. And as it came to be, we both almost had. I won't go into specifics but this sort of thing doesn't really ever leave you. I ended up being in the hospital just shy of 2 weeks. Healing from her birth was incredibly hard. And, I think that I knew that from the jump, Kennedy was "different." She sees things like I do, in a way that most do not understand. She touches light, and listens to wind. She is best friends with the moon and the ocean. She can speak to animals like no one else I have ever met.
I often wonder if our trauma and super difficult pregnancy led to Kennedy's Autism. I beat myself up all the time about it. Research shows that no, that is not the case. But I am human, and want to blame something. Usually, it's myself.
For 1,825 days I have been her mother. We certainly struggle together, and we certainly are joyful together. I look into her eyes and see my fate and that is something I can never put a dollar amount on. She is my muse. My whole heart and pure love. My reason to breathe, my reason to take photographs of people that others wouldn't.
She is my ocean and my moon. She is the wind I hear. She is home.
Today she is six. I was going to put her in some kind of dress, in the flowers and take photos. But, we were in my van (as we often are) and the light was so pretty that I snapped 6 photos of her there. This one is my favorite. I am so fortunate that she chose me to battle along side her. I forever will be, her Joan of Arc.
I share this song for her each year.
"You were born to dance to the beat of your own heart
To roam, without cages.
With the innocence of a child, and the free spirit of untamed horses......
I hope you laugh without stopping, live with abandon and love like that is all there is.
Stay wild, my wild child."
Happy birthday sweet girl. Disneyland and all things magical...awaits you.
I love you. My Wild Child....